


Better Than Me

by BeccatheBiscuitBaker



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety, Bad Flirting, Bisexual Evan Hansen, Bisexual Zoe Murphy, Boys Kissing, Coming Out, Connor Is Struggling, Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy Reconciliation, Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen) Deserves Better, Connor has A Brother, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Evan just wants happiness, F/F, F/M, Homophobia, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Self Harm, Soft Evan Hansen, Strangers to Lovers, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, Yess I Did that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:13:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25538602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeccatheBiscuitBaker/pseuds/BeccatheBiscuitBaker
Summary: Connor genuinely wishes that his brother had stayed in Europe...having him home is ruining his life.(Or: I gave Connor a Twin Brother)
Relationships: Alana Beck/Zoe Murphy, Brooke Lhost/OC, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 24
Kudos: 85





	1. Life hurts

Connor's family was setting up like a celebrity was coming over. It was just, stupid. Honestly.

"Connor, please, at least put on a clean jacket today."

"Whatever."

Connor just shut himself in his room. Fuck. It wasn't going to be _his_ room anymore. Well, he wasn't cleaning up.

An hour later he heard squealing from below. He wasn't going to get up and stroke _his_ huge ego.

It took them fifteen minutes to realize that Connor never went down.

"Hi," a voice called.

Connor looked from his phone, his face looked back.

"Yo."

"It's good to be back," Keith sighed, walking over to his bed. "Hey, you grew your hair out."

Connor resisted the urge to be overly mean, he wasn't a total dick, "Yep."

"How have things been?"

"Fine." Bad.

"So, you're back with the public school according to Mom, why?"

Jesus fuck. "Didn't like it."

Keith was always pushing his boundaries. He'd spent a whole year abroad and Connor had messaged him twice. For their birthday and for the holidays. And Keith messaged first.

"Well, just remember that if you need any help with homework to let me know, I'm kind of advanced in all my classes now."

"It's summer still."

"I know, I just wanted to let you know."

"I'm gonna go shower," Connor sighed, getting up.

Keith and him were total opposites. They hadn't been at first, but they were now. Keith was a fantastic student with good grades and extracurriculars, Connor skipped on a regular basis. Keith managed to grow more annoying every day, and never understood that just because they were twins didn't mean that they had to do everything together or act like the same person.

When Connor comes back from the bathroom the bedroom has been cleaned. Keith has picked up the floor, put books back on the shelf, and his laundry basket is gone. Keith wasn't that bad of a clean freak before he left.

"Kids!" Cynthia called. "Dinner!"

Connor sighed, readying himself for the worst. It was clear from the moment he sat down at the table that his parents were hoping that Keith would be like a leech and attach himself to Connor. Trying to make him into someone he's not.

"So, we're going school shopping tomorrow," Cynthia hummed, serving her family. "Keith, I know you just got back, but did you want to come? You must be exhausted with the time change."

"Sure, I'll come," Keith smiled.

"It'll be fun," Zoe laughed. "It's so quiet when you aren't home."

Bullshit. It wasn't _quiet._ It was scream filled fights, ending with Connor questioning why he existed. What did he give the world? Why should he even be alive? He wasn't worth _anything_. He didn't deserve what he had. He was an awful human being. He--

"Connor?" Keith snapped him out of the haze. "Are you okay?"

"Fine."

Connor excused himself. He'd taken maybe...one bite. Cynthia didn't care.

Keith came back up after the family had a happy dinner without Connor ruining it. 

"Hey," Keith smiled. "You didn't eat anything. Are you sick?"

"I'm fine," Connor sighed, rolling over to face the wall.

"You really should eat something," Keith warned. "If you're like...dieting or something, then just know that not eating actually makes you gain weight. Not lose."

"Just leave me alone," Connor sighed.

"Mom should have made you stay. Are you fasting? Was the food bad? I know vegan is weird, but it's actually really good."

He was going to vomit, "I'm fine."

Keith reached over and placed his hand on Connor's forehead, "You're really clammy." He grabbed Connor by the wrist, making him jump up.

"Leave me the fuck alone!" 

"Connor, I think you're sick," Keith stated, reaching for Connor's wrist again. "Let me check your pulse."

Connor pulled his arms away, "DON'T TOUCH ME!"

Keith flinched, "I'm trying to help you--"

Connor hugged himself, feeling his heart rate speed up. He would be hyperventilating in a few seconds, "Stop helping! You're not helping! No one can help! I'm fine! If you touch me ever again I swear I'll kill you!"

With that he ran out of the house. He hasn't meant that. He wasn't evil. He couldn't kill anyone it was just a knee jerk reaction. He wasn't bad, wasn't bad, wasn't bad, not bad. It wasn't his fault, nonono. He couldn't help it, couldn't... "

Connor collapsed under a street lamp. Actually fell to his knees hyperventilating. He picked himself back up and stumbled out of the lamp light. He choked on every breath. He bites down on his finger and starts taking deeper, slower breaths. But then he's hit with fear again and the hyperventilating starts over. He bites his finger so hard he breaks the skin. Not noticing until blood drips down his palm.

\--

He slips back into the house before dawn. Instead of being haggled by a parent, Keith is waiting for him.

Connor can't muster an apology, it's on the tip of his tongue...But he can't speak.

"They're mad at you," Keith sighed. "Why'd you run?"

Connor didn't respond, he needed Keith to see things for how they were. It didn't matter, he had snapped, so he was at fault. Nothing he did was justifiable. He was always wrong.

"Oh my--" Keith jumped up from his seat. "Your hand! Did an animal bite you?"

"No, I--"

Keith dragged him toward the bathroom, cutting him off. Keith washes the blood off as Connor tries to not react to his sleeve being rolled up. Maybe if he doesn't make a big deal about it Keith won't notice.

"What the..." Keith goes to look closer, and Connor pulls away.

"Thanks."

Its very clipped, but Connor keeps walking out of the bathroom. He almost crashes into Larry he's so focused on moving forward.

"Connor," Larry nodded, irritation in his voice.

Connor just returns the nod. He's exhausted.

"I said I'd wait for your mother, but since you kept me up all night," Larry practically growled. "You will be grounded to your room until school starts next week. You were completely out of line, threatening own brother. I've put up with your act all summer, but this is too far. If you continue with this behavior I will take more drastic measures, understand?"

Connor gave a simple nod and headed to the stairs. When he walked in he sees the blank spaces where Keith's furniture was. Why is it gone?

He whipped around and heads back to the hall. Wait. His door is gone. What the hell?

Zoe slowly emerges, keeping wary of her brother.

"Keith has the guest room now," Zoe whispered, creeping towards the bathroom, watching Connor like he would attack her with the wrong look. "You fucked up this time."

"Yeah, no shit sherlock. "

Zoe frowned, "You did this to yourself. You need to grow up. You throw tantrums like a toddler, and you make Mom pity you. You're immature and are going to blame this on everyone but yourself. I seriously can't belei--"

"Zoe, stop," Keith shushed her, placing a hand in her shoulder. "I'm sure Connor doesn't need you pushing his buttons."

"I can speak for myself," Connor muttered. "Stop talking to her like she's five."

It was going to be a long week.

\--

Connor wakes to shaking on his shoulder.

"C'mon," Keith called. "Get up, you only get one last first day of school."

Keith didn't start until tomorrow. Connor glared at him, Keith had been weird since Connor snapped. Pushing him to do things that he'd get in trouble for not doing. It didn't make sense.

Connor sat up, watching Keith grab clothes from his dresser. A bright yellow t-shirt and khaki pants. He's pretty sure those are actually Keith's because Connor would never be caught dead in khakis.

"I'm not wearing that," Connor spat, grabbing a black shirt from the floor. Grey ripped jeans would work. Connor stomped to the bathroom, avoiding his reflection in the mirror as he got ready.

He didn't eat at breakfast. Keith kept the family from fighting. And because Keith was such a _good person_ he drove both Connor and Zoe to school.

Walking in was fine, grabbing his schedule was fine, and stopping at his locker was fine. Going to class...was not.

"Hey, Connor!" Someone called at him. "I'm loving the new hair length, very school shooter chic!"

Connor gave the guy a death stare.

"It's a joke?"

"Oh no I get it," Connor assured. "I think it's hilarious. Am I not laughing hard enough for you?"

"God, you're such a freak."

He ran away, terrified. There was another guy behind the first. Probably a friend. Two people making fun of him?

"You think that's funny?"

"Wh-- no!"

"You think I'm a freak?"

"No, I-I don't!"

"You're the fucking freak!"

Connor pushed him to the ground before walkingaway. He deserved it. That asshole deserved what he got.

\--

Hiding in the library was always a safe bet. Connor tucked himself in a corner and started drawing. Why not waste his ti--

"Excuse me?"

Connor whipped around. The second jerk from earlier.

"What?"

The guy looked at his feet, pulling at the hem of his shirt, "I, uh, wanted to apologize for earlier. I wasn't laughing at you, and I should have told Jared to stop, but uh, I have anxiety and it's very difficult for me to keep conversations going and oh my god you didn't need to know that please shut me up."

Connor just stared at him.

"Sorry. I just...wanted to say that I'm sorry for making it look like I was laughing at you. I'll, um, I'll leave now. Sorry again."

The guy walked away, leaving Connor shocked. He's never gotten an apology before.

And it felt good, to not be wrong for once. Really good.

once the lunch period is over Connor has an English elective. He ponders sitting in the back like normal, but because of how the room is arranged the closest desk to the door is in the second row. Connor started towards the back when he spotted the guy from earlier. Kevin? Connor thinks his name is Kevin. But anyway, he's sitting at the desk closest to the door, reading through the syllabus on his desk. They're actually tables, two people to a table. Instead of sitting alone in the back, Connor joins Kevin. If he hates it he can move tomorrow.

Kevin seemed shocked. Connor doesn't say anything, just starts reading the syllabus.

**Welcome to American Literature**

**In this class we will focus on the great American classic novels, along with some fun projects and a few movies. Second semester we will work on our writing skills with weekly journals and a few transcendental short stories. While the class is focused on "The American Dream," we will be reading some English works as well come second semester. You are graded off of points, so do your best to complete your work on time and to check all writing for spelling or grammatical errors. I hope we have a fun year together!**

**Supply List**

  * **Pencils**
  * **Correcting utensil**
  * **Books when they are handed out**
  * **Notebook**
  * **Colored pencils on occasion (I will tell you ahead of time when you need them)**



**•Quarter One Work•**

  * **Two "Getting to Know You" journals**
  * **1920s research project**
  * **Gatsby preview**
  * **Reading _Great Gatsby_ by F. Scott Fitzgerald**
  * **Gatsby metaphor/motif project**
  * **Watch Gatsby movie**
  * **Gatsby final project**



**•Quarter Two Work•**

  * **Grammar review (Commas, BOYFANS, ect.)**
  * **American Dream journal #1**
  * **American Dream group project**
  * **Discussion work**
  * **American Dream journal #2**
  * **Gatsby application project**
  * **Thought maps preview**
  * **Thought maps project**
  * **American Dream journal #3**
  * **American Dream final project**
  * **Semester review**
  * **MIDTERMS!**



That didn't sound too difficult. Connor had already read Gatsby at least five times. It's one of his favorite books.

"Hi?" Kevin greeted, either confused or scared.

Connor gives him a single nod.

"Hello class!" the teacher called. "Welcome to my classroom! The prompt for today's journal is on the board, please take ten minutes to evaluate and write, then exchange with your desk partner."

Connor looked to the board.

***Keep names out of journals this week for ananomus grading, this is purely completion points***

**Prompt:**

**What has been the worst or best part of your first day of school?of**

Coonnor chose worst and gave a detailed description of what had happened that morning, excluding names.

When he was given Kevin's paper he got to read about how he felt guilty for not standing up for Connor.

He had meant the apology at least.

\--

Turns out Connor shared all of his afternoon classes with _Evan_ as when they had ecology together they finally started talking. Every time he saw Evan sitting in the same room he didn't hesitate to take the seat next to him. Evan wasn't lying about the anxiety either, as it took Evan a while to start talking.

after their last class Connor had to wait for Zoe to be done with band so he could go home. But he ran into Evan as he was walking out the doors.

"Where are you going?" Connor asked, trying to not look like he was interested.

"Oh um, I have a therapy appointment in half an hour, so, I was going to walk there."

"How long does your appointment last for?"

Evan shrugged, "About an hour? Why? Did...you want to come with?"

Connor shrugged, "Um, sure."

It was better than waiting for _perfect Keith._

After Evan's appointment Connor insisted that they got milkshakes and it was honestly the exact opposite of that morning. It had been perfect. Connor ended up walking with Evan the majority of his way home, before he had to turn around to make it back to school for his ride. He ditched his trash in a public bin before he stood at the school steps, just in time for Zoe to walk out.

Maybe school wouldn't be too bad this year.


	2. Growing Numb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW:
> 
> Suicidal thoughts  
> Mention of self harm  
> Self harming  
> Blood  
> Fighting (Not really but someone throws some hands, it's mostly verbal)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahaha yeah we have no slow burn here! Enjoy the fluff while it lasts folks!

Connor is the last one to get into the bathroom. He has no time to even attempt a shower or washing his face, because Zoe's a bitch and curled her hair before school. Connor's lucky he cares about his breath, because if he didn't he wouldn't have brushed his teeth.

It's been about three weeks since school started. Keith is still acting weird. Connor heads back to his room to grab his bag and spots his brother scanning the desk.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

Keith turned to face him, "Uh, Mom told me that you have come home high before. I figured that removing the substances from you would be the best option.

Connor growled, "It's not your fucking business, Keith! Get out!"

"Drugs aren't okay, Con."

"Yeah? Well they're the only thing tha-- never mind."

"What?"

Connor turned on his heel, heading to Zoe's car so he can just wait for her. She comes out with Keith. She's dressed way too formally for school, and Keith has on his uniform. They hug on the steps before Keith drives away in his own car, and Zoe finally gets her ass moving.

Zoe turns on an annoying playlist, so Connor had to put his own music on for the drive. He's pretty sure she cranks it louder just to spite him. Screw her and her prissy ass.

The moment the car is parked Connor rushed into the building and to the library. Evan is sitting at the corner table waiting for him.

"Hi," Connor sighed, plopping down next to his friend. It's still weird.

Evan beams, waves his hand enthusiastically, and meets his eye, "Hey! How are you?"

"Eh."

"What's wrong?" 

Connor shrugged, "Just tired, I guess." 

"Well," Evan elbows him playfully. "We only have a half day today, so you don't have to be at school as long."

Connor forgot about that, "Oh, yeah."

Evan is honestly the first person to attempt to make Connor feel good and have it actually work. Keith and his snooping are behind him now, Evan has come with the good vibes train.

Evan keeps up his amazing work and they manage to walk to class together, Connor giving his friend a small wave before ducking into his first class.

\--

Half days are great, because they get let out just before lunch time, but they suck because all the classes are just rushed into half the time. In American Lit. they start their research project, and since Zoe will be out with her friends, they decide to work on it at Connor's house. Connor usually hates group or partner projects, but he trusts Evan to pull his weight.

Eighth hour is fine. They head into the corner of the library and just sit quietly. Evan has a therapy assignment for next week to work on and Connor is trying to design their project.

"Everyone just does PowerPoint presentations," Evan commented, getting up to go to the printer.

"But it's _fucking Gatsby,_ Evan. If there's one thing I care about, it's Gatsby."

"Really? The book or the character?"

Connor gives Evan a look, "Ev, if you've read the book you would know. Gatsby is such a raging bisexual and I love it."

"Really?"

"I'm pretty sure him and Nick fuck at least once or twice. But that's just speculation, obviously it's not real."

Evan pats his shoulder, "Okay, you do you."

Connor goes back to thinking, and while it takes him about ten minutes, it's very clear that Evan is slowly reaching across the table towards Connor's hand. Evan is playing it off, tucking his nose in his science book, but Connor isn't stupid. And well, Evan is cute, and nice, and patient, and so many other things, so fuck it.

Connor doesn't hesitate, just plants his hand on top of Evan's. He senses Evan tense, but after a few seconds he relaxes again, even flipping his hand over so they can intertwine their fingers.

They don't say anything. Just hold hands and nothing else. When the five minute bell rings they separate to stand up, but Connor holds his hand out for Evan to take. They walk to Evan's locker and separate again, Connor heading to his own. The dismissal bell goes off and they wave goodbye. They'll see each other in about half an hour.

\--

Connor is dropped off by Zoe and he heads into the house. Connor heads up to his room and nearly jumps out of his skin. Keith is back.

"Don't you have school?!"

Keith chuckled, "Nope, we had a half day too." He holds up an object, "What's this?"

He has Connor's pride patch in between his fingers. Connor snatched it from Keith's hand, "Get out."

"Connor, you don't tell me anything. If you're gay, you're gay. Mom won't mind, it'll even bring you two closer--"

"She can't know!" Connor snapped.

"Well, being an lgbt member won't change how she loves you."

"I'm not telling her!"

Keith gave him a confused look, "I'm telling her?"

"WHAT?!"

"I tell her everything, she's my mother."

Connor sputtered for a moment, "Do- do you realize how wrong it is to _out someone?_ Huh, Keith? That is like, extremely wrong!"

"Oh but she knows you do drugs? What about Dad?"

"Weed isn't going to kill me! You can't tell anyone, okay?"

Keith frowned, "Yes I can, she deserves to know."

"NO! THAT'S BAD!"

"I'm telling her, Connor. It's for your own good."

Connor tore out of his room, "God you're such a little bitch!"

He locked himself in the bathroom. Fuck Keith! He took deep breaths until his breathing was more even, looked in the mirror and regretted it.

Ugly. Weird. Stupid. Bad. Gross. Unloveable. A freak. Untouchable. Evil. Pathetic. Too thin. Too tall. Boring. _Gay_ _._

Fuck. Keith.

Why did Keith have to ruin his life?

Make him inferior in every way?

Horrible in every way?

Like there was no good in him?

Just...a monster.

While it would be his regular to cut, he doesn't. He sits until he doesn't look like he was crying and then heads back to his room. Keith has made a wise choice to make himself scarce. He has about...five or six hours. Then Keith will do it.

"Connor!"

What does he want now? "What?"

"Someone's here to see you!"

Shit. Evan. Connor dashed down and gave Keith a glare as he turned to Evan, "Hi."

"Uh," Evan holds up his backpack. "Literature?"

Keith is giving him a look. Connor knows that Keith thinks Evan is his boyfriend. Which is actually rude to assume. Just because he's gay doesn't mean he's attracted to every single guy out there. Keith is such a douche canoe. Honestly.

Connor brought Evan up to his room and wished he could close the door.

"Uh, have to always had a brother?"

Connor rolled his eyes, "Yep. Don't let him fool you he's a real dick."

Evan is just standing awkwardly, "Really?"

"Yes, he--" his emotions are catching up on him again. "He's just...God he-- he--"

Evan dropped his backpack and threw his arms around Connor. He wasn't being questioned. Wasn't being shown all the proof that Keith is perfect. His feelings were being accepted, because he was hurt.

"Ev, stop-- he'll think that we-- I don't have a door."

Evan let go, but the concern is still there. Connor attempts to collect himself, but he can't. He wants Evan to hug him again because that was _so grounding._ Connor walks over to his window, opens it, and pops out the screen. He stepped out onto the roof with Evan right behind him. He closed the window before taking them both to a corner where there was no view inside the house and pulling Evan into another hug.

"You'll be okay," Evan assured. He pulled back and met Connor's gaze, "Talk to me."

"He said he was going to out me to our parents," Connor whispered. "I know it's stupid to get upse--"

"That is so fucking valid Connor," Evan whispered. "That's not okay, you are completely allowed to be upset. He shouldn't do that."

Connor nodded, trying to let himself be right.

Evan sits, leaning against the wall. Connor plopped down next to him, their hands are locked together almost instantly.

\--

Connor isn't sure how long they've been talking, but Connor has explained his point of view to Evan. Everything about Keith.

"I'll be honest," Evan sighed, giving a small smile. "Some of that stuff is you being dramatic. You aren't flawless."

Connor nodded, Evan didn't make him feel targeted.

"But some of that is his fault. Your family shouldn't favor him, and he is a dick sometimes. Outing you isn't okay, bragging isn't okay, touching you is completely not okay, even if it was just your arm. Your feelings are valid and allowed. He is in the wrong."

Connor whispered, "Thanks Evan."

His friend gives him a look, "Now, name three things you're better at compared to Keith. I'm serious."

Connor thought a moment, "Drawing?"

Evan nodded, "That's one."

"...Reading?"

Another nod.

Connor likes the last one the best, "Being supportive."

Evan grinned, "Of course. He's a total dick, not supporting your sexuality or the fact that you go to public school, can't believe him."

Connor snorted, "Thanks Ev."

They lean against each other for a while, Evan's thumb lightly brushing against his wrist. Connor knows Evan wants to look, and the trust he has in Evan is greater than he's had in his own family, so he shrugs off his jacket.

Evan moves so he's sitting in front of Connor now, "Connor...please don't do this to yourself anymore."

"I can't make that promise, Evan."

"Okay...have you ever gotten help before?"

"It's a waste of money," Connor whispered. "After all, I'm just being dramatic."

"But are you a waste?"

Connor met his eyes, "I've been given every inclination that I am."

Evan looked close to tears, "You aren't. You're strong. You're beautiful. You are worth it, okay?"

"Why the hell are you so nice to me?"

"Because you're worth it."

Connor let it float in his head. He was worth it. Maybe not to everyone. But he was worth it to Evan, and that should be enough.

"Connor?"

"Yeah?"

"Is it okay if I kiss you?"

Connor laughed, "That is _so_ okay, Evan."

Evan smiled quickly before pressing his lips against Connor's. It feels nice, but it's not like it came out of left field. Evan deepens the kiss, and while Connor didn't take Evan for a dominate person, he happily let's himself follow the other boy's lead. Evan is very good at kissing for someone who is as anxious as him. Almost too good.

Evan pulls back and starts pressing kisses around Connor's face. Connor not sure why, but it makes him laugh. Evan stops and just smiles at him.

"You're so beautiful."

"Thanks?"

Evan chuckled, "You're beautiful and you don't need to change who you are for others. It's not worth changing of it's not for you."

Connor nodded, he liked how Evan talked to him, "We should start on our project. But, tomorrow do you want to go get pancakes?"

Evan let out a small laugh, "Absolutely."

\--

The moment Evan is gone Connor starts feeling tense again. When everyone returns for dinner it gets worse. By the time everyone is seated Connor is flinching at every single noise. He probably looks like a crack head.

Remembering what Evan said helps. He _is_ the victim in this situation.

He's valid.

At least if he's outted he will still have Evan.

Keith doesn't say anything during dinner. Connor cannot calm down. He's bringing his practically untouched plate to the kitchen when he heard it.

"Look, can I talk to you guys about something?"

It sets him off. He would rather be in trouble than be humiliated. Keith was wrong, if Connor wasn't ready to come out that isn't on him, it's on Keith. He is a victim.

"Mind your own damn business, Keith!"

"Connor just let me help--"

"You are the exact opposite of help!" Connor yelled, getting in Keith's face. "Stop being a dick!"

His hand is hurting.

"Connor..."

"Do you EVER shut up? All you do is make my life difficult and make me--"

Keith punched him in the face. Twice.

Connor stumbled back, and he heard a clatter on the ground. There's a bloody knife on the ground. Connor looks to Keith, but there isn't a mark on him. No one is talking. Even Larry is quiet.

Connor glanced at his hand. There's a huge gash along his palm and fingers. He had been holding the knife by the blade. He forgot to drop it along with his plate when Keith had set him off. Everyone was looking at him. They saw how much of a freak he was. Connor felt blood drop off his finger to the floor and that snaps him out of it.

He bolts out the back door and around the house. He doesn't deserve help. Doesn't deserve anything. Except...

He does deserve to die.

He really deserves that. What, with how he treats his own family? He's a fucking disgrace.

He. Deserves. It.

Common sense is gone.

He is going to die tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so since I'm aware that there's spelling and grammar errors in this work, after chapter three is out I'll go back and fix them!
> 
> Also, yeah sorry that went from fluff to hard angst fast.


	3. Acceptance is Difficult

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW:
> 
> Blood  
> Self harm  
> Suicidal thoughts
> 
> AND WE WELCOME BROOKIE COOKIE TO THE STORY FINALLY!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I went back and tried fixing all my stupid errors, Amazon devices suck for writing!

Connor was kind of surprised. He wasn't hyperventilating like normal. Maybe he was past that...

Or maybe this type of pain surpasses the need to hyperventilate.

He doesn't want anyone to find him. He doesn't want to be saved.

Connor stops running to catch his breath. His heart is beating loudly is his ears.

_Thumpthumpthumpthump._

It's...quite calming. Connor likes the sound, knowing that blood is pumping to his head, down to his toes, out to his fingers.

The brain wants death, but the heart keeps pumping. It doesn't slow, doesn't _stop,_ until it's forced to.

Connor wants his heart. It hasn't ever failed on him. Legs give out, toes cramp, but the heart keeps going. It powers the brain, too.

The heart powers the selfish brain, and doesn't hold a grudge. Even though the brain wants to quit, the heart makes it keep going.

Evan is like a heart...

So Connor calls him.

_"Hello?"_

"Hi."

_"Are you...okay?"_

Connor doesn't want to push it off, "No. I want to kill myself."

_"Oh, shit. Um. Okay, uh, how about...um...you don't do that. Please?"_

"It's not that simple Evan."

_"Yeah, sorry. Can...are you...where are you?"_

"I'm not really sure. I just...ran."

_"You, um, you need to check yourself into a hospital. Right now. Pull up the map on your phone and go there. I promise you that I'll meet you there. Okay?"_

Connor sighs, letting the heart beat steady him, "Okay. Um...I'm like...bleeding a lot though. I might have accidentally stabbed myself."

He heard Evan groan, _"All the more reason to go. I'm heading out, text me or call me if you need. I will see you soon, okay?"_

"Okay. Bye."

_"Bye."_

Connor hangs up and gets the map up, he's closer than expected. So, Connor starts walking, his hand is not stopping, and he wonders if it's possible to bleed out with just a hand injury. Probably.

He picks up the pace, because running feels good.

His heart pumping loudly the whole way.

\--

Evan isn't there in the emergency area. Connor manages to get a clipboard without showing anyone his hand.

Name, reason for admission, date of birth, insurance information, ect.

Connor pulls his insurance card out of his phone case and starts writing.

He knows that the medical term for what's wrong is suicide ideation or something like that, so he writes it down along with his hand problem.

Connor turns in the papers and sits in a corner. A Filipino couple is across the room, one looks like they were in a fist fight.

Oh shit.

His face.

He hasn't even looked at it, and hasn't thought about it. So much was happening, it's the last thing on his mind. He hopes he doesn't look like he got in a fight. No one wants that for a patient.

They automatic doors swing open and a disheveled Evan runs through. Evan walks over, and is about to sit down, but a nurse calls Connor's name first.

"Are you okay?"

Connor gives him a look before they start following the nurse.

"Okay Connor," the nurse gives a peppy smile. "I know that you feel bad right now, but this was the hardest step, and you did it."

How do you even respond to that?

"I see you have some bruises, but let's start with the cut on your hand."

Connor sits on an examination table and opens his hand. It finally stopped bleeding, but it's ugly.

"Oh my god!" Evan squeaks.

the nurse is barely hiding her own shock, "Was this self harm?"

"No. Well, not really. I was arguing with my family and, well..."

It's horribly embarrassing, but Connor explains the knife situation. The nurse doesn't seem pleased. She leaves his hand for a doctor to look at since its not bleeding. She does an evaluation on his past medical history. His medication list throws him off.

"I was never given antidepressants," Connor frowned. "That shouldn't be there."

"Okay, it is possible to have bugs in the system. My apologies."

She checks his face out, but nothing is broken, so she leaves with instructions to call his parents.

Evan just stares at him.

"You didn't tell her about your arms," Evan complains.

Connor doesn't respond to that, but uses his normal hand to message Cynthia. She says she'll be there soon.

Evan gets up and sits himself down at Connor's side. Connor is okay with it until Evan tried to take his hand.

"Please, don't."

Evan places his hand in his lap, "Okay. Sorry."

He doesn't want Evan to feel bad, but he hurts in so many places it's driving him up the wall. Evan doesn't deserve to be shut down, so Connor leans his head on Evan's shoulder as a middle ground.

A doctor comes in to give Connor's hand stitches. Evan moves back to his chair and because Connor is a fucking baby when it comes to needles, he looks away as the numbing medicine is put into his hand. It only takes a few seconds for Connor to not be able to feel his entire forearm. His hand is cleaned and then stitched. Even without feeling it Connor can't look. Evan understands his distress and walks over to where Connor is looking to talk about their Literature project.

"I was thinking, since you like drawing, we could make a huge poster with drawings instead of printed pictures," Evan offers.

"That sounds good," Connor nods, unable to focus.

"All done," the doctor says. "Now, because of the stitches being on your palm, you'll be wearing a brace with a small board to keep your hand in position, okay?"

Connor nods, refusing to look at his hand. The doctor sets up the brace and Connor feels better about moving. Cynthia barged in with Larry as the doctor is leaving. The doctor explains to Cynthia what he did before leaving.

"I can't believe you," Larry snapped. "Threatening your brother again! You're lucky he cares about you! And then running away! Only guilty men run away, Connor. "

"He punched me," Connor cried. "Why did you even come? All you do is make me feel like shit!"

Larry wants to make another remark, but another doctor walks in, cutting him off.

"You are the parents?"

Cynthia nods, taking her husband's arm.

"Well, I'll be quick about this, your son is extremely depressed and should be admitted into psychiatric care. "

"Excuse me?" Larry looks appalled.

The doctor sighed, "Your son brought himself here because of suicidal ideation, he needs to be admitted. It's the best option right now."

Larry actually started laughing, "I'm so sorry, our son here is dramatic. He pulls these stunts when he wants to play victim. He isn't depressed, this is a cry for attention, nothing more."

"I would like to do an examination --"

" No," Larry shuts the idea down. "My son doesn't need to be treated with any of that. Please, if this isn't about his actual injury it's a waste of time. I'm sorry for this, but thank you for being concerned."

The doctor gives a stern nod before walking back out the door. Connor can't find his words. Evan looks ready to burst.

"How about we head home now, " Cynthia offered, trying to not start a fight.

"Do you need a ride home Evan?" Connor asked, making his parents pay attention to his friend.

"Oh, um, no. My mom works here," Evan babbled. "I'll just wait for her shift to be over."

Cynthia looks confused, "I don't think we've met, I'm Cynthia."

"Uh, Evan," the blond peeps.

Larry frowns, "How do you know Connor?"

Evan smiles, "He's my best friend."

Oh thank god!

Cynthia is now overjoyed, "Well, how about you come over for dinner tomorrow night? Keith is having a guest over as well, you won't be intruding."

Evan smiles, "I would love to. I guess I will see you tomorrow."

Connor actually thinks Evan has bought their scam until he gets a text as he's getting in the car.

**Ev: Don't worry, I know their dicks! I just need to be on their good side! See you tmr ❤**

The heart makes him feel good.

**Me: cu ❤**

**Me: it's they're btw**

Really good.

He knows that even though he's going to have a horrible time when he gets home, he won't hurt himself tonight.

If he feels like it, running is always an option.

\--

Connor has a fucking bad time the next morning. Keith has gone out, and has left Connor a fucking stress ball. With a stupid note.

_Sorry for making you upset, hope you feel better!_

_~Keith_

Connor places the stress ball in one of his dresser drawers before going in to shower.

Its his instinct to grab his razor. He feels like human garbage, so why not treat himself like it?

He cuts himself once, it's difficult since he's trying to not get his messed up arm wet. He watched it, it's small, it doesn't hurt, but people freak out when they see it.

Evan doesn't like it either. Evan wants him to stop.

Connor puts the razor down, he can try starting now.

Showering doesn't make him feel better. He ties his hair back into a bun and decides to sketch.

They starting image looks like a person from the bathroom signs at school. Connor draws a line down the center, cutting the person in half. He takes the left side and draws what he associated himself with. The right, what Keith is associated with.

Even in just sketch form, it helps. Identifying what he sees wrong with himself. Keith has always been better than him. But on Keith's half, one thing makes him feel good. He sketches a pride patch and put a an X through it.

Maybe Keith isn't homophobic, but if he's an outer he's just as bad.

Connor gives his own half demon wings, just because it feels right.

He can add color later, but the final thing he adds is a C on his half and a K on Keith's. He isn't perfect, and neither is Keith. Keith is a dick.

Connor finally goes downstairs. Larry is still pissed with him, but Cynthia is bustling about preparing for her guests.

"Cynthia?" Connor decided to go take the easy route. "Can I go to Evan's?"

"You can if your sister takes you and picks you up, " Cynthia hums, mixing something in a bowl.

Connor turns to his sister, she doesn't seem abrasive for once.

"Sure," Zoe nods, grabbing her lanyard and car keys. "C'mon Connor!"

Connor rolled her out the door, shocked at her easy acceptance. Connor gives her the address and they start driving.

"You were going to kill yourself last night, weren't you?"

Zoe looks devastated when he confirms.

she sighs, "I know I treat you bad, but you have deserved it. But, you don't deserve to die, Connor. You're my big brother, what would I do without you?"

"Live happily ever after with Keith."

Zoe sighs again, "Keith has turned into such a douche lately. Mom and Dad eat it up, but he's been treating me like I'm a toddler lately, and I've seen how he treats you. I wanted to deck him so hard last night after you ran out. He didn't have to punch you to make you at go of the knife! He could have pried it out of your hand like a decent human being!"

Zoe's phone buzzes with a text, Connor sees her screen light up with the name: ❤bb❤

"Who the hell is that?"

Zoe's face turns pink, "Uh...my girlfriend." She grows serious, "If you tell our parents I will deck you!"

Connor stated in astonishment, "You're gay?!"

"Bi, actually."

Connor starts giggling, "Holy shit! Zoe, bro, dude, _I'm gay._ How did the gaydars not go off? And you aren't allowed to tell either!"

Zoe grins, "Oh my god! Okay, so like, I've been thinking about coming out to Keith, but I'm not sure how he will take it."

"Dont," Connor commands. "He tried to out me last night, that's why I started fighting with him."

Zoe is shocked, but understands. They pull up to Evan's house and Connor gets out of the car.

"Hey," Zoe calls. "Do you and him have a thing?"

Connor smiles, "Yes, but it just started yesterday."

Zoe gives him a thumbs up before driving away.

Zoe is actually on his side, holy shit. That's crazy.

Connor knocks on the door and Evan let's him in. He instantly told Evan everything that happened in the car, getting positive feedback from his boyfriend.

"See, she does care about you. You just needed common ground."

Connor nods his head before pulling Evan into a kiss. His day has been shit, he is turning it around even if it kills him. Evan is very responsive, kissing back almost instantly.

"You are so beautiful," Evan murmers, breaking them apart for a moment. "How are you feeling?"

Connor shrugged, "Not that great, but better than when I woke up."

"How's your hand?"

Another shrug, "Making my life difficult."

"Are we still on for pancakes?"

"I don't want to go anywhere, if that's okay."

"Of course it's okay."

\--

They end up making out on Evan's couch. It started with a movie, but things happen.

"You're cute," Evan giggles, pressing his lips down Connor's neck.

It's nice, Evan treats him like a human when everyone else doesn't.

Connor let's his hands slip under Evan's shirt, checking to see if he's okay with it. Evan has been taking charge and Connor cannot complain. He meets no resistance and Evan continues to kiss him.

"You need to eat more," Evan says before nipping at Connor's collar bone. "You're so boney."

"I thought I was cute?"

"You are," Evan assures.

Connor sighs to himself, his brain has been fucking with him for the past few days but...he's made it through. And that's a good thing.

Apparently time truly does fly by when you're having fun, because out of nowhere Connor gets a text from Zoe telling him it's time to leave.

"Shit, when did it get late?" Evan mumbled, getting to his feet 

Connor gives him a shrug, "Are you still coming over? 

Evan nods his head, opening the door for them. The two walk out to Zoe's car when they both pile in the back.

"Hi, Evan, " Zoe greets.

"Hi!"

The ride is fairly quiet, Connor doesn't fully trust Zoe and doesn't want to say anything weird in front of her. Keith's car is in the driveway when they get home, so Connor prepares himself for the worst.

There's a girl in their living room. She's making small talk with Cynthia before the mother noticed her children.

"Oh, kids," she jumps up. "Meet Brooke."

They wave at her, she waves back. Brooke practically bounces over to Connor, "It is so good to finally meet you, wow you two really are identical!"

Keith comes into the room and slips his arm around Brookes waist, "Zoe, Connor, this is my girlfriend Brooke."

Zoe gives a polite nod before going to help their mother. Evan is clearly on edge, but Connor can't do anything when he's stuck in a conversation.

"So," Brooke pipes up. "I learned you're gay, Connor. I think it's incredible how brave you are to come out, my friend Jeremy had such a hard time."

Connor gives Keith a glare, "You told her?!"

Brooke's jaw drops, "What?"

Keith shrugs, "Connor, I told you that people deserve to know."

Brooke turns to Keith, "You outed your own brother?"

Keith looks surprised, "Well, I was supposed to tell our family last night but Connor got a little over emotional about it."

Brooke pulls out of his grasp, "I can't believe you. You, Keith, are _not_ the boy I went to Europe with!"

Connor is shocked. This girl is actually telling Keith off.

"Broo--"

"No, Keith, it is so _wrong_ to out people! If you're going to act like a total douche we aren't going to work!"

Keith is like a fish, opening and closing his mouth, "But-- you're bi and okay if I talk about it!"

"I have been out for almost two _years_ Keith!"

Brooke takes a moment to collect herself, "If you _ever_ threaten to out anyone or say that you are going to out someone ever again, I will not hesitate to break up with you in the middle of school. Understand?"

Keith gives her a solemn nod.

"Thank you," Brooke nods, allowing him to take her hand.

Connor watches them leave the room, turning to Evan once they're gone. He now has three people on his side...that's crazy.

Crazy, but great.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why is this story so easy to crank out tho?! I have so many questions for my brain rn!
> 
> Oh, depending on how chapter four goes, I might write a fifth chater, but I'm not sure yet.


	4. Opening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW:
> 
> Self hatred?? Is that a trigger? Connor hate talks himself.
> 
> Self harm scars, no actual harming
> 
> Mentioned suicide attempts, again there's no actual attempt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 1: Love Keith
> 
> Chapter 2: Hate Keith
> 
> Chapter 3: BROOKE IS QUEEN
> 
> LET'S SEE WHAT EVERYONE TAKES AWAY FROM CHAPTER FOUR! AND YES I'M GOING TO WRITE A CHAPTER FIVE!

Connor does not want to be anywhere else. He has a very sleepy and _very_ naked Evan on top of him and that is perfect. Curtains are drawn, lights are off, the best start to a weekend he's had in _years._

He starts to doze off, his hand that had been rubbing small circles into Evan's lower back slowing to a halt. Something buzzes to his left, but Connor cannot be bothered. He feels Evan shifting and presses a kiss into his hair.

"Connor?"

He doesn't open his eyes, "Hmm?"

Evan gets off of him, causing Connor to shiver.

"Connor, Keith is going to be here in five minutes."

That wakes him up. Keith wasn't supposed to be picking him up for hours.

"Shit," Connor got off of the bed and stumbled around the room, searching for his things. Evan appears in front of him with clothes on and his phone in hand. Connor accepts the phone and shoved it in his back pocket. He throws his boots on heads down to the front door.

"He wasn't supposed to be here until nine," Evan pouted.

Connor nods sympathetically, "Sorry Evan."

His boyfriend gives him a smile, "I love you."

That's a new thing. But it's a very good new thing that Connor is just accepting.

Connor can see headlights on the street. That was a quick five minutes.

"Love you too," Connor pecked Evan's lips before starting out the door. "Bye!"

Evan gives him a wave, closing the door behind him. Connor parks himself in the passenger seat and doesn't speak to his twin as they drive away. Not talking seems to keep them from arguing and keeps Connor from feeling shitty.

But Keith ruined sleepy cuddle time.

"You're over three hours early," Connor said, looking out the window.

"Was I interrupting something?" Keith asked.

"No, but you said nine."

"I'm heading to Brooke's house," Keith explained. "Sorry."

Brooke also did a good job at keeping Keith in check. Connor personally thought she could do better. But she seemed attached, it was clear Keith adored her like she was the sun, as he listened to everything she said.

Which was good. Keith hasn't even mentioned Connor's sexuality in nearly a month. Things were finally calming down.

When they arrived home Connor started towards his room. He heard giggling from Zoe's room, so he walked to her door and knocked. After a few seconds Zoe opened her door. Her air was slightly disheveled.

"Hi," Zoe greeted. "What's up?"

Connor looked over Zoe's shoulder and saw Alana Beck sitting on his sister's bed.

"Really? Alana?" Connor rolls his eyes jokingly.

Zoe blushed, lightly punching him on the shoulder, "Shut up."

"Don't let Keith see," Connor warned his sister. Then he turned to Alana, "Hurt her and you're dead."

Alana gave a nod before giggling again.

Things were pretty quiet now. No one in the house wanted to argue with him after the knife thing. Larry still had his comments, but they weren't shouting at each other anymore. Cynthia seemed terrified when he walked into the room, and she barely spoke to him anymore. Zoe was the only good part about coming home. She was actively trying to talk to him and connect. They tried to go out together once a week, but it didn't always work out and that was fine. If Zoe was busy he would turn to Evan.

"Hey," Zoe grabbed his sleeve, stopping him. "You up for pancakes in the morning? Alana is coming with, if that matters."

He sighed, looking between the two girls. They were clearly obsessed with each other, just as bad as he was with Evan.

"Can you bring me to Evan's after?"

Zoe grinned, "I'll pick him up and he can come with. Text him and make sure he's ready."

Connor smiles, accepting the offer before returning to his room.

\--

The four get a booth. Boys on one end, girls on the other. Zoe keeps mocking him for getting banana pancakes, but it's all in good fun.

"So," Zoe faces Evan in interrogation mode. "How is Connor?"

Evan seems confused , "Um...good? He's right next to me."

"Is he a good boyfriend?"

Evan gives a smile, "Of course! He's very nice and my mom loves him."

Connor grins, "Breakfast with your mom is the best. She makes some damn good fried potatos."

Zoe gasps, "You ate potato that weren't gross? Mom banished them because of the starch."

Connor gives a shrug, "What she doesn't know won't kill her."

Zoe pouts, "And I've been sneaking out for French fries? Unfair."

Alana giggles, "My dad will make you French fries if you come over."

The girls start discussing potatoes and Connor turns to Evan, "Having fun yet?"

Evan steals a bite of Connor's pancakes, "Yep, I'm spending time with you, so that's enough."

Connor is about to lean in and kiss Evan, but he spots Keith walk into the diner with Brooke on his arm. He kicks Zoe to get her attention.

"Hey," Keith greets. He's in his school uniform and Brooke is in hers.

Brooke adjusts her skirt and flashes a smile, "Hi! We have a school fundraiser to get to, but I wanted to check in with you guys quick."

Connor blinks at her, "We're fine."

Keith coughs, "Um, Connor, do you need a ride home tonight?"

"Nah, Zoe's got me covered."

Keith nods to himself, but Brooke elbows him.

"Can I talk to you?"

Connor gives him a look, "You...are talking to me?"

"Alone."

Connor sighs, scooting of the booth, "No eating my pancakes Evan."

Evan responds by stealing another bite.

Connor rolls his eyes and let's Keith pull him away from the group, Brooke replacing Connor at the booth.

"Are you okay?" Keith asks.

Connor frowns, "Uh, yeah?"

Keith grabs him by the shoulders, "I was talking to Brooke about you and she said you might be depressed. I'm just...do you feel okay?"

Connor tenses, "Don't talk to your girlfriend about me."

"Answer the question, please."

Connor scoffs, "I've been depressed for years."

Keith runs a hand through his hair, "Okay, well, I'm going to suggest to Mom that you get some help with that, okay? You should have told her when you felt like that to begin with."

"What makes you think she doesn't know? She has always known. She's not _stupid._ She's the one who found me-- look it doesn't matter, they both have known for years."

Keith looks distraught, "Found you what?"

Connor shrugs it off, "Found me when I tried to kill myself. The first time."

"You've attempted more than once?!" Keith is practically shaking him at this point.

"Duh. Like...Have you not been paying attention? Jesus fuck, I knew you were incompetent but damn."

Keith locks in another realization, "They know you attempted and still won't get you help? Why?"

"Cynthia tried in the beginning, but Larry shut everything down because my meds weren't working. He sees you and your perfect fucking image and just...I'm not you. He thinks I'm lying about everything because I'm jealous of you. Don't let that go to your head, you're the last person on earth I would ever want to be. You're a fucking stuck up, self assured, virgin, and I don't want to be that."

Keith drops the depression, "Wait, you've had sex?"

Connor rolls his eyes, of fucking course, "Yeah?"

"Connor-- that's illegal. You're underage."

"That didn't stop me. Besides, it was a guy so in your book it doesn't count."

Connor hopes that mentioning his gender preference doesn't respark an outting session from his brother.

"That's not the point! Technically you broke the law."

"Several times, I know it bothers you but I'm sure that our dear parents know about that too. They aren't stupid. They didn't care, protection was used, get over it."

Keith looks pissed for once, "Our parents failed you. You know that right? They...I love our mother more than anything, but how could she do that to you? We are literally the same person, so why --"

Connor snaps, "No. We. Aren't! They favorite you, okay? It's because you're better than me! You've _always been better!_ I'm literal human garbage and you're a million dollars! You're day and I'm night! You're _fucking perfect!_ I'm _worthless!_ I can't compete! You swept the entire show! There's no room for anyone to care about Connor in that fucking house! All I feel there is hate! They watched me warn them, watched me overdose, watched me cut, watched me try to help myself and _fail,_ and you were blind to it all! I had to deal with my first broken heart alone! I don't even know why I'm still in the fucking closet at this point because they already _hate_ me! All anyone has ever done is watch me fall, I've been falling for years and in the end _no one_ is going to catch me! I'll piss off Zoe again and Evan'll leave me and then there's no one! You'll be busy living your perfect life with your perfect girlfriend and I'll be dead with no one giving a shit because you've got my face so it's like it was just you the whole time and there was no Connor in the first place because who wants to mourn a waste of carbon and oxygen?! They didn't fail me, they never gave me a fucking chance! You just...You're just-- better than me."

He doesn't even care that he blew every fucking cover he had, Connor just bolts. He doesn't want to feel like this, so he runs. Running helps. He runs for a few blocks before stopping. Let's himself feel his heart.

_Thumpthumpthumpthump._

Beating loud and clear and clearing his mind.

Maybe he should start running regularly. Make it another option for when he feels bad. Not running away, but running for fun.

Because running saved his life basically. Hearing the heart work despite the selfish brain, it's good. Makes the brain stop fighting for a while.

That's a good idea.

Connor starts to walk back when a pair of arms collides with him. Evan is squeezing him as tight he as he can.

"Ev, I'm okay."

Evan looks him over, "You scared me when you ran out! What did he say? Brooke is pissed."

Connor shrugs, "Doesn't matter. Everything's out in the open now. I just...couldn't handle it. But, I feel better now, so it's okay."

They continue walking together. Evan double checking that Connor is actually okay and that he won't do anything to hurt himself because he's two weeks clean at this point and can't mess that up. He had tried before, but he's slipped up a few times.

Keith has a very pissy Brooke next to him when they are back. Connor gives his brother a look, daring him to comment on his and Evan's hand holding.

"I just got too emotional," Connor assured Brooke. "For once he didn't fuck it up."

Brooke relaxes, letting herself lean against Keith, "I know he's hot and stuff, but I have a zero acting like a dick policy thanks to my ex, so I just had to be sure. 

Evan snorts, "What did he do?"

"Try to fuck my best friend, we're just friends now."

"Ouch."

Brooke nods them farewell and the straight couple walks out. Zoe looks relieved to see them back at the booth. Connor's pancakes are cold, and missing Evan-bite-size chunks, but he still eats them and enjoys it.

\--

Connor is packing a bag to stay at Evan's when Keith knocks on the door frame. His tie is undone and his blazer is unbuttoned.

"You...you said that you were cutting. Do...how often?"

Connor sighs, turning around.

"I'm clean two weeks as of yestersay. Cutting and smoking."

Keith walks over, reaching out to grab Connor's arms. Connor backs up, he doesn't want Keith touching him anywhere near his cuts.

"Please, I need to see how bad."

Connor takes off his jacket, showing Keith his arms palms up. Most are small except the gashes from his second attempt. That one hadn't even prompted a hospital visit. He hadn't gone deep enough. All are scarred over grey.

And Keith thinks that's it, but Connor proceeds to lift his shirt and show the scars along his waist line. It, for some reason, makes Connor think of a mother having a c-section. He's not even sure why he cut there, but he vaguely remembers body shaming himself right before. He avoided that area now. In general. He knew he was too thin, his ribs protruded way too much. Keith doesn't notice that last part.

"Why?"

Connor drops his shirt, pulls in the hoodie again, "Kept me from crying."

Keith might not like that answer, but it's true. For Connor, cutting was like running. It calmed him down.

"Can you take me to Evan's?"

Keith frowns, thinking, "Are you staying over?"

"Yeah, the plan was for me to convince you to let me stay all weekend, but you picked me up early and ruined it."

Keith nods to himself, "You really like him?"

Connor confirms, "Yeah? He's my best friend and I love him."

It feels good to say that to someone in his family who's straight. Who doesn't get it, but has to accept it.

"Guess we really aren't the same person," Keith mumbles. "I'll meet you in the car, five minutes."

Connor watches Keith leave the room before continuing to pack. The car ride is quiet, but not tense like the night before.

"I'm going to talk to them about getting you help," Keith states. "They listen to me."

"Good luck," Connor snorts. "I've been begging for three years."

They arrive on Evan's street and Keith pulls up to the house. Connor goes to open his door, but Keith stops him.

"No sex," Keith warns. "It's wrong."

"Oh you prude," Connor sighs. "I already fucked him, too late."

Connor leaves his brother mouth gaping like a fish as he is welcomed into Evan's home.

"I love you," Connor murmurs, pulling into a kiss.

"Love you too," Evan grins.

Connor asks about the running for fun thing, as usual Evan gives a positive response.

"If it makes you feel good, do it."

So the two spend the afternoon mapping a route for Connor to take in the mornings at home, and one for when he's at Evan's. Evan also insists that Connor doesn't run in skinny jeans and suggests sweats as a replacement. Connor is willing to comply.

Looks like he's about to become a runner.


	5. Equals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BIRTHDAY ENDING THAT NO ONE ASKED FOR!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was one of those shower prompts I came up with, and having this originally planned to be a one shot but come to this is so pleasing! Also...I wrote this story SO FUCKING FAST HOW?!
> 
> Anyway, thanks for the journey!

Connor's alarm goes of at five o'clock and he gets up. He changes, puts his hair up, drinks some water, and heads out the front door.

Like he has done every morning for the past three months.

He starts jogging, letting his body warm up. It's cold and snowy, but the sidewalk is clear. After two blocks he turns off into the local park and starts running down the path. Smooth, grounding, and quiet. That's why he's up so early. No one else can bother him.

He doesn't listen to music, just his heart.

He does three laps in the park, which is about two miles. Then he turns back out and heads to the sidewalk again. He sprints home, not winding down until he's in the driveway.

He stands on the front porch, listening.

_Thumpthumpthumpthump._

Today the heart is winning.

Connor walks back into the house, grabs school clothes, and takes a quick shower. Also a daily regular. He lets his hair air dry as he sits in the silent dining room, eating a breakfast bar.

Some mornings it's easier to eat something small.

Cynthia emerges a few minutes after six, starting breakfast for the rest of the family. She smiles as him, the only sign that she knows he's there.

Things are still tense, but he hasn't had any incidents with the adults.

As of today he's a month clean from cutting and two weeks from smoking. He's slipped up a few times, but he's not trying to make excuses.

Some days the selfish brain wins. That's just how it works.

Connor heads back upstairs when Larry enters the dining room. They still bicker a lot, but they haven't had any full blown arguments.

Things are particularly tense since he came out. It was too difficult to hide when Evan was almost always at his hip. But no one has said anything directly. So it's okay.

Connor is ready to leave when Zoe heads down to eat. As she passes his doorway she tosses something at him. It's a little pride pin. Connor attaches it to his bag without hesitation. She likes to throw pins at him that she thinks he'll like, his bag has at least twenty now.

She still hasn't come out, but it doesn't bother him.

He still doesn't have a door, it's annoying but he's not going to argue. There's no point. He's learning that you just...can't win an argument with adults. Why fight when there's no chance?

Keith is still upset with them a little, they denied him when Keith brought up getting Connor help. Keith isn't used to not getting what he wants.

Connor heads knocking on the door frame, speak of the devil. Keith is leaning against the wall, smiling.

"Happy birthday," Keith grins.

He's been lost in thought so long that he hasn't even noticed. Evan said he had birthday plans for them, but it's slipped his mind until then.

"Happy birthday," Connor nods.

Keith blushes a bit, "Don't hate me, but I had Evan help me figure out what to get you."

And like...when has Keith even spoken to Evan? It's unnerving. Thinking about his boyfriend and identical twin talking.

"Oh. I uh...I mean...I've got one for you for once, but it's not a gift for our parents to see."

"GUYS GET DOWN HERE!" Zoe's voice cries up.

The two head down the stairs, the breakfast table has boxes in the center.

No one had even mentioned his birthday last year. They're probably all for Keith.

But as the two sit across from each other Cynthia splits them up, some for Keith and some for Connor.

Zoe's gifts have obnoxious bows on them. They open the boxes and start laughing.

Keith has a black hoodie with the words "Straight Twin" on the back and Connor has the same hoodie with "Gay Twin" on the back. Connor instantly switches it out for the one he had put on earlier. Keith can't because of his uniform.

Cynthia's gift to Keith is a new laptop. Apparently his ended up with a virus while in Europe. Connor gets a smart watch, apparently she kept up with Connor and his running hobby.

Larry has always been awful with gifts, once he got the twins a huge box of peanut brittle, but they have a nut allergy. He's made it easier on everyone, usually just giving cash. This year that doesn't happen.

"I'm taking the day off," Larry announces, placing the usual envelope in front of Keith. "You two are going out to lunch with me and can pick one thing to do for the afternoon as a second present, or...fourth in Connor's case. "

Wait...He's getting four gifts from the man who he barely speaks to?

Larry might be ill.

Connor gets a small box from his father. No envelope. Everyone keeps looking at him, waiting. Connor opens the box and pulls out his drivers license and a key.

"You...got me a car?"

Connor stares at his father, waiting for it to be a joke. At one time Connor and Zoe shared her car, but Connor lost that privilege.

"You're an adult now," Larry says calmly. "Your siblings got cars from me, why not you?"

Connor cannot breathe. He manages to shake off the shock, "But...you said fourth?"

Larry nods, exits the room, and comes back with Connor's door and leans it against the wall.

"Really?"

"You've been good," Cynthia grins, squeezing his shoulder. "And you're an adult, you deserve your privacy."

Zoe laughs, nudging him.

"That's...what else could you possibly give me? I'm an absolute prick and don't deserve any of this!"

Larry looks to his wife and nods. Larry takes off his suit jacket and Cynthia removes her cardigan. Larry has a straight ally tie pin and Cynthia has an ally t-shirt on.

"We haven't been loving you the way we should," Cynthia explains. "If you're into boys, then you're into boys. There isn't a point in treating you different for that."

Keith gets up, he's sporting a matching tie pin under his blazer. Connor notes a bi colored bracelet on his wrist with Brooke's name on it. It's cute.

Zoe laughs, "Is now a bad time to tell you that I'm bi?"

Cynthia beams, "Larry, we got the whole spectrum!"

And like...that's the best reaction Connor's ever heard. Zoe pulls on a black hoodie and turns around. It says "Bi Sister" on the back with bi colored heart below it. God, Connor loves his sister.

"Okay, so Keith, you're getting your gift later, but I don't think you can top them," Connor laughs, falling back into his chair, staring him down.

Keith shrugs, grabbing a box from under the table and passing it over. Inside is a new sketchbook and set of acrylic paints, but below that there's a small bottle. Connor picks it up and reads his name with a prescription on the bottle.

"Dude..."

"If...It isn't working after a few weeks, we can come up with something else," Larry states. "But...I'm not wasting money on something that isn't working."

"Holy shit, thank you!" Connor sighs, turning the bottle over again and again.

They agree to start the medication on Sunday night and the twins rush to get all of their things put away. Keith puts his hoodie on for a few photos requested from Cynthia. After that the three head out the door to drive to school, Larry following. Wanting to see Connor's reaction to the car.

Zoe and Keith had really nice cars. Zoe's was more vintage, but she loves the car, and Connor is pretty sure the car is named Josh. Keith has a sports car, it pulls his rich boy ascetic together, and Connor knows that Brooke loves being in the car with him. Josh is a light blue, Keith's car is bright red.

Connor actually almost screams when he sees his car. An all black camaro. Now, to understand this excitement, you need to know that the car is a convertible. When Connor was little he was obsessed with convertibles and has always wanted one. That means that Larry remembered that through the years of them not talking.

"You are responsible for all accidents and tickets you get," Larry warns. "Don't get pulled over and don't drive like an idiot. Understood?"

Connor turns to Larry, beaming, "Yes! I'm sorry for everything I said ever! 

The three get into their separate cars and Connor lowers the top on his. He doesn't give a shit if it's below freezing, he will drive with the top down for his first ride in the car! Cynthia steps outside to yell at him, but Larry stops her.

Connor works through remembering how to drive as he heads towards Evan's. He is actually a good driver when his heart is winning. Connor pulls into Evan's driveway and thinks. This is not something you fetch your boyfriend to see, this is something you _make_ your boyfriend see.

So, Connor beeps the horn a few times to call Evan out. The blond emerges with his jaw dropped.

"Connor!"

"Get in, we're getting coffee!"

Evan climbs in and laughs, "Put the top up it's cold out!"

Connor shakes his head, "My car my rules. No top up during first drive."

Evan huffs quietly, digging through Connor's school bag for a hat. He forces it into Connor's head and tightens his own over his ears. Connor doesn't complain, just asks what Evan wants to drink.

Connor does put the top up when they get to school. Evan is sipping his hot chocolate and Connor is practically chugging his iced mocha.

It's going to be a great morning.

The heart is winning by miles today.

\--

At noon Connor is excused from class. He drives home and beats Keith by a few minutes. Larry ushers them into his car so they can meet their lunch reservation. It's a nicer restaurant, but Larry is actually dressed down for it. Keith removes his tie and blazer to put his hoodie on. There's nothing he can do about the dress pants.

It's weird. With both of them in hoodies, they look the same. Hoods up, you probably couldn't tell one from the other if it weren't for the words on the hoodies. They look like _that set of twins,_ where they dress the same everyday. They look how they did when they were younger. Identical. They look like equals.

And...they are equal.

Keith has flaws, Connor does too.

Zoe had flaws, Evan has flaws, Larry has flaws, Cynthia has flaws...

He's pretty sure Brooke has flaws.

it doesn't matter, everyone is a little fucked up.

Keith suggests they go see a movie, but Larry and Connor hate horror movies so they can't agree. After about half an hour Larry mutters "bowling" and everyone agrees that's the best plan.

Keith sucks as bowling by the way. He almost always splits the pins down the middle. Connor is decent, he can get a spare if he focuses hard enough.

Larry is really good. He almost always gets strikes. He laughs at Connor's tiny eight pound ball and at Keith's nine pound ball.

"You wake up at the crack of dawn and can't get any upper body strength?"

Connor huffs, collapsing in his seat, "Running requires different muscles."

Larry wins the game by a couple dozen points, but it was fun.

The three drive back home to have guests waiting for them. Heidi and Cynthia are talking in the parlor, Brooke rushes into Keith's arms, and Evan is awkwardly standing in a corner.

Evan turns beet red when Connor kisses him.

Dinner consists of vegan burgers, apparently those were a thing. They weren't awful, but they weren't good. They also get to have vegan cookies that Cynthia made, but those tasted normal.

Once everything is cleaned up the twins split. Connor is going to Evan's, Keith to Brooke's. Connor tosses Keith a gift bag as they pack their things up.

They first thing Keith gets is a huge pin reading "Resident Asshole" that Connor found. They second thing he pulls out is a box of condoms, which Connor cannot stop laughing at. He laughs harder when Keith puts them into his bag.

"Brooke is an adult too," is the only explanation he gets.

\--

Evan has a birthday cake waiting for them at his house. Heidi sticks around to have a slice before heading to her night shift. Connor is prepared for almost anything Evan throws at him, but not a movie marathon.

They binge the first four MCU movies before Heidi comes home and sends them to bed.

He's dead tired, but it's been a good day.

\--

Connor's alarm goes off at five o'clock and he gets up.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a writer who sucks at spelling, I love auto correct, but damnit I hate when I spell a swear word and it changes!
> 
> (Fuck, shit, and hell not duck, shot, and he'll!)
> 
> ALSO I MADE A FUCKING MOTIF OUT OF THE HEARTBEAT SHIT-- WHO AM I BECOMING?! BECCA ARE YOU OKAY?! I KNOW YOU WRITE FAST UNDER SLEEP DEPRIVATION BUT CALM DOWN!


End file.
